1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman,
With the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
With the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
And he weighs 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden
parachutes, BMWs, opera, or environmental impact statements.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major
part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood
means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago,
St.Louis, Austin and Kansas City are still the best places to have the
blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
a. violet
b. beige
c. mauve
d. taupe

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall - the lighting
is wrong.

10A. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jailhouse
c. an empty bed

10B. Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
d. Trump Plaza

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen
to be an old black man.

12A. Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state -- like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis (see exception below)
d. your woman can't be satisfied.

12B. No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you have a trust fund.
c. you hold elected office.
d. your woman CAN be satisfied.

12C. Maybe, if you're the only one who can satisfy your woman.

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues.

14A. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

14B. Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine Kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die.
Other blues ways to die include:
a. the electric chair
b. substance abuse
c. being denied treatment in an emergency room.
It is NOT a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16A. Some Blues names for Women
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

16B. Some Blues Names for Men
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightning
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the
blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

16C. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
c. Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie, or Cripple Chirimoya.

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