You know you're old when... You need your glasses to see your amp settings. You've thrown out your back jumping off the stage. Instead of a fifth member, your band wants to spring for a roadie with the extra money. It becomes more important to find a place onstage for your box fan than for your amp. During the second set, you scream for the drummer to please stop hitting those annoying cymbals. Your gig clothes make you look like George Burns out for a round of golf. You take your shirt off at an outdoor gig and the promoter begs you to put it back on because you're scaring people. Your fans have left by 10:30 p.m. Before each gig, you find yourself warming up more parts of your body. All you want from groupies is a foot massage. Your after-show party is at the International House of Pancakes. You ask for the "Senior Special" at your after-show party. You've lost the directions to the gig. Prepping for the gig involves plucking hair from your chin or nose. You're thrilled to have New Year's Eve off. The waitress is your daughter. You check the TV schedule before booking a gig. High notes make you cough. Low notes make you pass gas. Your gig stool has a back. Even though you have the stage stool (with the heavy duty cushion), you keep having to stand up because your legs go to sleep. You're related to at least one other member of the band. You need a nap before the gig. You pass on the free beer because it doesn't mix well with your meds. Your meds are the only drugs you're interested in anymore. After the third set, you bug the club owner to let you quit early. During the breaks, you go to your van to lay down. You don't recover from a Friday gig until Tuesday afternoon. You know all the words to "Aqualung." And it's still your favorite song. You start convincing yourself that a pair of 210's sound better than that heavy 410. You like 210 cabs - not for their tone, but because you can sit down on them. Your latest girlfriend has more muscle than the roadie. You no longer help the singer out with the PA at the end of the gig. You actually feel silly playing air guitar. Your favorite leather strides make you look like Rod Stewart. You find yourself wishing you looked as cool as Rod Stewart. You are grateful to have ANYONE come to the front of the stage to talk at the end of your set. Groupies' mothers start eyeing you up!! Your rider contains a stipulation of NO mirrors in the dressing room. The kids at the wedding reception gig request a song by the current trendy underground band and you've never heard of them. You sub on a wedding gig and the lead singer is younger than your own kid. You invite your daughter and her friends to your gigs so you can have some good looking chicks around. You have to wear clip-on shades because the stage lights mess up your bifocals. You do a theatre gig, and the drummer keeps calling you 'Sir'. You send a link for this page to a friend because you know it's true! |